Just for fun - sometimes we need a little humor

[Fester]

Try to say that three times!



A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer figured that he was going deaf. He wouldn't come when she called. When she took him out for a walk he wouldn't heel like he had been taught to do. As a matter of fact, when the dog wasn't looking and she called him, he acted like he didn't hear her at all. So she took him to the vet.

The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. He told the lady, "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all. Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he is deaf. He can't hear you, but he isn't deaf. You can treat this with a depilatory. I haven't got any in stock, but you can get some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggy brand will."

So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice.

"How do I apply this product," she asked. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"

The druggist said, "For your legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water."

She said, "I don't think that you understand. It's for my schnauzer."

"Oh," said the druggist. "In that case, I suggest that you dilute it 3 to 1 with water. And by the way, you  might want to wear cotton underwear for a few days."

[BigShadow]

Robot Chicken: Who is Booberry?!

[Fester]

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie.  I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie.  "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really?  Now that's a switch!  What did she say"?

"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'"   

[Monsters For Sale]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

[Monsters For Sale]

A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor.

The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?"

The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire...what is your first wish?'

I said, I'd like all the money I could ever spend.' The genie went Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend.

Then he said, What is your second wish?' I said, I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.' The genie went Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me.

Then the genie said, "And what is your third wish?" ...and I think this is where I went wrong... I said, "I'd like a huge orange head."

[missdead13]

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie.  I just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie.  "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really?  Now that's a switch!  What did she say"?

"She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'"   

lol 

[Howler]

[Fester]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 15 miles per hour. He thinks to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Fifteen miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 15 was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 101.

[Howler]

[Monsters For Sale]

[horror1o1]

this dude cracks me up.

Dear John Witherspoon: "Hoochies"

[Howler]

[Monsters For Sale]

I LOVE this!

"...please won't you be my victim."

[Howler]

I LOVE this!

"...please won't you be my victim."

Mr. Krueger's Neighborhood!!!!!!

Hi neighbor, you're looking kind of sleepy. Why don't you lay down for a little nap. I'd love to visit you in your dreams. Won't that be fun? Well, for me at least.

[BigShadow]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"