Just for fun - sometimes we need a little humor

[Wolf Man]

Wow, that was disturbing.  I may have a nightmare tonight where everyone has an extra large baby head.  Aaahhhhh

[Moonshadow]

Aw man, I needed a good laugh today! Love it all, but especially the manatee and Vincent Price!

[Scatter]

Mike

Now THAT"S FUNNY!!

[Illoman]

[Dr.Teufel Geist]

[Fester]

On a slightly less gross note:

[Dr.Teufel Geist]

[Dr.Teufel Geist]

[Most Horrible]

   Got this from a colleague. Steven Wright....obtuse humour and funny!

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he is the famous erudite scientist who once said:

    "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

    His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement.

    Here are some of his gems:

     

    01 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    02 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
    03 - Half the people you know are below average.
    04 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
    05 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
    06 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
    07 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    08 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
    09 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend . . . but she left me before we met.
12 - Okay, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever . . . so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
And
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[Most Horrible]

[Dr.Teufel Geist]

I like 

[Fester]

[Fester]

Steven Wright is funny.  I love his deadpan almost depressed delivery.

I was always partial to Emo Phillips. 

Here are some of his better quotes:

   A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
   At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
   How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
    I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
    I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
    I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
     I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
     I  love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
     I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
     I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
     I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
     I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
     I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
     I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
      People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.
     Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
    Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
    The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
     Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
     When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
      Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
       You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
     Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"
      People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!"
One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..
      I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
      I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse.
     When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
      People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

[Gasport]

Great stuff, Fester! Thanks for sharing!!

[Scatter]