Did I find the right girl??

[BlackLagoon]

To start off please excuse my grammar as I'm rushing, but had to get this off my chest. Also I know UMA may not be the greatest place for love advice but I've read so many intresting and intelligent posts and replies here that I have to see what everyone thinks.

Ok, I'm 32 yrs old recovering from a pretty rough year had shoulder surgery which has me out of comission till about Aug, disolved a partnership which left me destitute, moved back home and started from sractch. You will understand why I say these things by the end of the post.

I have been single about 3 years now and always had a really hard time with finding someone I was comfortable with. Dating, "chasing women"..NOT a problem, settling down and getting past all the surface stuff, my own insecruities and being able to get close or let anyone get close? Huge issue. Even my last gf was a roller coaster ride of drama and anxiety and was in no way healthy. As I'm getting older I'm starting to see how nice it could be to find someone that would be my best friend..my teamate. 32 I dont think is "old" but its not 22. Most of my friends are married, stable in life. Even at the traditional "Sunday Italian Dinner" thing my family does, looking around the table and being alone is starting to make me feel differently then it did a few years ago.

With everything that happened to me the last year, I was not feeling too confident in meeting someone simply because I thought I have nothing to offer them right now. Reluctantly taking a friends advice I tried an online service...honestly because they wouldnt leave me alone and because it was free. I tried this before and hated it. The 1st night I was on I saw a picture of someone I thought was very beautiful so I tried my hand at getting her attention. She happened to be online at the time and next thing you know it was a live chat and 10 minutes after that she was on the phone. I cant tell you how skeptical I was of the whole thing. The days that followed I was averaging 3 hrs a night speaking to her. A few days after that we met and it was like we knew each other all our lives.

Its a few weeks into it now and its going so well I'm actually scared. My friends used to joke you'll never get married because you find fault in every single girl you date, your a mix of Jerry Seinfeld and Shallow Hal! There is truth to this, and this is why I had to post...maybe its the fact that I am a huge gym buff and a bit of a "jock". I have dated some girls that were fantastic people and some that other guys have told me "how the hell did you manage to get her"..and I honestly dont know, I am a blue collar, regular guy who loves monsters and football, nothing too special. So this girl..and she even told me prior, she gained a little weight. When I saw her the 1st time I was so relieved that I thought "she is still beautiful!"....I think though my talking about not being able to go to the gym because of my shoulder and feeling bad about not being in the weightlifter shape I had been in until last year has made her think I really care that she doesnt have the body of the tennis instructor she once was. Plus she is hearing stories of me being so picky in the passed that she already has asked me "are you going to try and turn me into a barbie doll?".

I have been alone for so damn long because of being shallow and having this "my girl has got to be hotter then my friend's girl" mentallity thats its stupid. Its immature, shallow and mean and I want to get over it. I found someone who I met in the LOWEST point in my life that I respect, she is borderline brilliant, I think she is gorgeous, I can talk to her about anything, we have the same views on family, life, church, work ethic etc. She actually sits with me while I watch hockey, espn and yes...Universal films. I have shared with her things NO ONE else knows about me, I have showed her my collection, from Aurora models to Lionel trains and she acts enthused and then playfully tells me "your such a dork!" and kisses me. Everytime we talk,  its always its great, we always laugh. Her family is great and my family loves her. Anytime I freak out about my shoulder and not working she is like a security blanket and I feel really safe with her.

Then why am I thinking crazy things? Why do I sometimes over analyze things? Why do I still care a little if my best friends wife may or may not have a better physique? Arent I STILL being immature and STUPID? I'm actually making myself angry over it..I have a girl who meets with executives from Coke Cola in France, comes home and cooks for me while all I do is rehab my shoulder all day. Am I insane for even questioning these things? Why do I still get these little feelings like "Im settling because Im older and just fear to be alone"...there is a part of me that is worried that OTHER people are thinking that. I have NEVER before worried about what other people think!! Why now?  Why cant I get rid of the little shallow insecurities I feel about the situation when I'm alone. Thats the other thing when Im actually with her I couldnt be happier. When I'm by myself I start to question everything until I give myself a headache.

The bottom line is I met someone who doesnt care about my job or what I have. I met someone that tells me they are crazy about me because of who I am and how I make them feel. I know this is most important so I cant be that crazy.

If we stay the way we are one of two things will happen. I will get my shoulder healed return to the work force and inside of a year propose to her. Or once again over analyze everything and not only lose her, but hurt her.

Anyone care to be a shrink here? Monster to monster??

[gracebuster]

Ahhhhhhhhhh...if I may...

Weight should be the last thing on any of our minds.. WHo cares as long as someone is healthy.

Here is what you said...


"The bottom line is I met someone who doesnt care about my job or what I have. I met someone that tells me they are crazy about me because of who I am and how I make them feel. I know this is most important so I cant be that crazy."

Are you crazy about her?

If so why is it even a question.


God Bless,
Danny

[Nicole]

I think you should ask yourself, is this someone you really love and want to spend the rest of your life with? If the answer is yes, why does anything else matter?

[monsterphile]

BlackLagoon (Say, do you have a first name we can use?),

I'll speak to you one Jersey guy to another--   It sounds like you already know that this girl is a good one.  Oh sure, you're nervous about the whole thing, and of course, in life there are no guarantees.  The measure of the successfulness of a relationship is compatability and happiness.  I was just a bit younger than you when I met my wife years ago.  Next month we'll be celebrating our 13th anniversary.  She was unlike any girlfriend or wife that any of my friends had at the time.  That didn't matter though, because she was my other half.  We were very different from each other but we still fit together. 

Oh sure any relationship, especially a marriage, has it's tough times, but you have to always do your best to work through them.  Don't overfocus on outward appearances.  Everyone ages and bodies change as time passes.  She may gain or lose weight and chances are as you get older, you're body will change too.  (Sounds like a facts of life talk!) 

Now I'm not saying you should up and marry her right away.  Take your time and let the relationship develop naturally.  Spend time together and spend time apart.  When you're apart, do you find yourself thinking about her and wishing that you could be sharing these moments with her?  I'd tend to think that you'll miss her when she's not around. 

Be prepared if you do eventually take the marriage road.  The "for better or worse" line is more than just words.  You will have to work through things every so often.  Men and women really are SO different at times.  But hey...that can be a good thing.   

Rob

[packy120353]

Hi Blacky, I'm Packy
You sound very heartfelt and a bit frustrated. It also sounds like you're hung up on the physical. Please get in your time machine and travel 15, what the heck 20 years into the future. Now hey look at that!: I see your gal reaching  across your little tummy you've grown over the years and kissing you  saying "You're still such a dork." You're looking back and thinking "My goodness to think all those years ago I was afraid of letting her get close to me just because of a way she looked." You kiss her back. (I mean return her kiss!) Then look at how huge your Monster collection has gotten and think "Man am I lucky to have her to put up with me all these years.".
Now, Mr. Lagoon, get back in your time machine and come back and read this post! And tell me if the Vikings have won a Super Bowl yet.

Sincerely,
Paul

[Nicole]

The folks here at the UMA give some excellent relationship advice.

Now I know who to pm with all my love-related questions. In fact... I'm writing a 10-pager about my situation as we speak. Check your mail soon, guys...  

-He he, just kidding!

[fmofmpls]

Dear Black Lagoon. What you are experiencing is special. It can't be found on eBay. It can't be experienced through any high priced collectible. It can't be placed on a dusty shelf behind glass. What your talking about here is real. It's living. It's intimate. It's special. It's rare. And it's priceless. It's called LOVE. It's huge, and it can be very scary. But don't let fear get in your way. It sounds as if you are blessed with a golden opportunity. Wipe your slate clean, stop comparing to others, and hang on for the ride of a lifetime!

[ChrisW]

Blacky,

Re-read your post - you answered your own question.
Life isn't a competition; it's a wonderful experience. Enjoy it with someone you like being with.
Good luck!

[BlackLagoon]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I can tell you this..I started this thread in the afternoon today. Its now 12:45 and I just walked in from band practice (recording actually) and this was our 1st night apart in about a week. I snuck away to the bathroom to text message her...about 5 times, and I also just got off the phone with her as she requested I call her when I was home safe.

To answer your question Rob...tonight was time apart, and I totally hated it lol. She was on my mind constantly.

As for Packy..that was a heck of a post too, and I understand what you mean..however I'm going to stop that time machine when it is the Eagles who win a Super Bowl

As for myself...after tonight, picking my own brain, the advice I got here, and having it sink in..someone asked me to call them so THEY could fall asleep knowing I was safe. I am very very lucky and maybe even blessed that this happened to me. Thanks again to everyone for the advice!

Jess

[preyer]

that's what i love about new relationships, it's all 'oh, being apart from you is the hardest thing to do!' and then there's the going overboard trying to please one another. and let's not forget that this is probably the best sex you'll have is in the beginning. you talk for hours on end about just the stupidest stuff. and unless she's overtly psycho, these are some of the reasons you fall in love, i reckon.

then you move in together and pay bills together and wake up every morning together and you get a dog, and it's still awesome. it might take a few years before the thrill is gone and life situates itself around a routine. i think it's only really then that you know if this is the person you want for the rest of your life. that's just my take on it, at any rate, and no amount of false platitudes and campy 'wisdom' can replace the experience of that, and that only comes when it comes.

it seems as if you and your friends are very body-proud kinds of people, so i think it's natural (not necessarily right, mind you, but natural) to be judgemental of others with inferior bodies, particularly at your still youthful age. i think what you're experiencing is growing pains. who you are is a collection of experiences (they way you were raised, that car crash that scared the hell out of you, the gamut of situations that arise from being a jock, etc.), chemical reactions, intelligence and to a certain extent education, imo. all these things push people towards certain points in their lives. some folk may want to experience certain benchmarks earlier or later, for you it's right now at 32. it's not fair to you to compare yourself to your family because they didn't have the same experiences and your parents came from a different era with different societal expectations.

so, really, had i grown up exactly like you with the same exact experiences, i'd probably be more or less like you. just better looking and smarter. just kidding. i'd have the same insecurities and questions. by the same token, i'd have the same advantages.

most people naturally focus on the negatives without considering the positives. in your case, you obviously forgot to list the good things about yourself. if you listed off your positive qualities, you'd probably come to the conclusion that, hey, i'm not such a bad guy. i'm not perfect, but who is? i'm a hard-worker, i treat my woman right, i try not to be selfish, etc.. so what if joe's gf's arse is a little smaller than my gf's, his gf won't stick around for long. besides, let joe say something about my gf's arse and he'll get a facefull of knuckle sandwich! that's right, i defend *my* woman because i love her, not because she's got the tightest butt in the gym, a fact the entire world could honestly care less about. your friend's wife may just have more time to be so stuck on herself, and possibly feels a subconscious need to maintain her body in order to be attractive. i promise you this, though, those good people have issues behind closed doors and in their own minds just like anyone else. have you ever known anyone who's house and lawn are impeccable but inside the house is a disaster?

a lot of insecurities come simply from a lack of confidence, confidence gained only through experience. you can't fake that. there may be a point where you find yourself being just the kind of guy you had been in the past, and there's just no other way than to just push through it. where you might have once started a bogus fight just to justify breaking up with a gf, you have to recognize that pattern and not repeat it. that's what a counsellor would do, sit you down and find out if there's a pattern of self-destruction when it comes to relationships and teach you how to avoid doing it again.

at some point, seeing a counsellor may be a great option, even if there's nothing wrong with the relationship just to keep you from making the same tired mistakes yet again. it's good you analyze your personal issues ~ that's what you *should* and *have* to do to, well, to grow up a little. the idea here isn't for you to grow to a point simply so you don't screw your gf over, as she's 'just' the catalyst: the point is that you grow to a point to where you don't screw *yourself* over in this or future relationships, right? don't self-improve for her, self-improve for yourself and let her be the beneficiary of that. that's how i see that, anyway.

you're one of about 175 million guys who're in the same boat. the details may vary, but the underlying issues are the same. hell, *i'm* not the guy to ask. i say give me her number, she sounds pretty damn good to me! i just loathe the same old crappy 'advice' that goes, 'relationships are hard work,' 'communication is the key to a successful relationship,' and (ugh!), 'love conquers all/love is all you need.' well, gee, thanks, *that* helps sooo much. is there something else you've read in a fortune cookie that might help? maybe something you saw on dr. phil? or maybe one of those hilariously awful 'dating tips' you see on the homepage of your browser every now and then? talk to someone who knows that the hell they're talking about, not some babbling idiot (i.e., me), who can show you if you're analyzing the wrong aspect of a particular issue and help focus on the ones that really matter. what's funny is that your issues are probably so common that they're really easier to deal with than you think. you don't know that, though, so you stress about it far too much than you need to. it might not help that you've apparently got a lot of time to take some stuff to levels that don't actually exist. i've noticed that third-shift people suffered from this more.

here, now, is my BS pseudo-wisdom/'advice': you've got to be honest with yourself for any improvement to happen. what a bunch of obvious, wishy-washy, non-answer crap that is, though, lol.

something else that's kinda funny to me is that with whatever girl i was with someone would also say, politely, 'you can do better than that.' it's always a reference to physical things. and you know what, they're right, i *could* have found a more physically perfect example of the female form, but that's not what attracted me and made me fall in love. i've known as many repulsive hotties as i have girls physically out of the 'norm' that i'd *much* rather spend my time with. i admit it, i care to a certain degree what people think. i think it's a rare person who honestly doesn't, and by far people who say that are kidding themselves or liars. still, i don't care *that* much to the point where it interferes with my happiness.

well, i hope my crazed ramblings gives you something to think about.

dr. preyer has left the thread....

[BARON TIMOTHEUS BGG]

"As for Packy..that was a heck of a post too, and I understand what you mean..however I'm going to stop that time machine when it is the Eagles who win a Super Bowl  "
*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Brother, JESS,
... Aren't those guys, from that '70's rock group, THE EAGLES, a little too old, to be playing FOOTBALL!?!
... Unless, I suppose, they have their own TIME MACHINE, which they've been using, since the '70's!
Then, I guess it's possible.
... HEY! They can even perform their own HALF-TIME SHOW!
... See ya THERE! 

... This ARMY, of MONSTERS, is one savvy Group, when it comes, to LIFE & LOVE!
EXANIMO EVERNOW,
TIMMY & THE BARON & FRIENDS,  GOO-O-OODD-D!, B.G.G.

[ChattyLMS]

Hi Lagoon!
Everybody here really has some good thoughts.  I can't say whether you're over analyzing or not.  I tend to do that, too.  If you over analyze to the point where you do nothing, you may not realize it but you have made a choice about it.

Of course you're scared!  Spending your life with one person is a terrifying thought!  Don't sweat that, it's perfectly normal.

The one thing I do have a problem with in your thinking is the weight issue.  You're 32?  That's around how long I've been trying to lose weight!  I'm rather take a fat balding guy who loves me dearly over any guy that stands and looks at himself in the mirror constantly.  If this is a real real issue with you, you better think twice.  I think that if you have a truly loving relationship your wife will be hot no matter what she looks like.

If you're crazy about her, not her figure, then go for it.  Take some time and date each other for awhile and really get to know each other.

Good luck, Lagoon!  Tell us what happens in the next chapter!
Laura 

[ChattyLMS]

Enquiring minds want to know.  What did you decide?

[BlackLagoon]

Enquiring minds want to know.  What did you decide?

Well..my head is spinning, but I will try and tell you the shortest version of the story. Right when I met her, my 1st question was "do you smoke" her answer was "no". I was happy because Im pretty much the Tyranasarus Rex of non-smokers. I came over a few mintues early the other day to bring her flowers, and some sushi. I see her from her window.."Oh my God your here already!?!?"...I come up the stairs and she is violently brushing her teeth violently. I didnt really pay it any mind.

Now, my fitness lifestlye seems to be rubbing off on her, and we have been going for walks every day. I'm studying to be a personal trainer so she kind of volunteered to be my guinea pig, which is both a huge turn on for me and also melts my heart. Anyway...as we're walking up a hill one day, she is not looking to good and I said "lets relax a sec, reset your breathing..dont push so hard your doing fine"...I couldnt understand why she was struggling so much, it wasnt very strenuous. Too make a long story short she told me she is in fact a smoker and hid it from me.

I told her, I cant believe you lied to me, its not the damn cigarettes..its the fact that you lied...THATS why she was brushing her teeth before I kissed her. Well she explained that she knew how I felt and didnt want to lose me, with that, it hit my heart and I said ok..please just be straight with me next time, Im not going anywhere.

A few days later...withdrawl kicks in, and its basically like hanging out with Charles Manson. I have been nice and supportive and tell her how strong she is, and that she shouldnt do it for me, but only is she WANTS to...she admit she does and continues to quit. Over conversation she freaked out again and I really had no idea what to do, she was just....insane. So I asked "do you want me just to go home?"...which practically had me beaten, disembowled and eaten. So I stayed. It got worse....and finally I said ok, we hung out everyday this week, we should take a day off. I went out with friends for beer and baseball...and she went out with friends, and didnt return my text messages all night. The next day I prepared to ask her to come to lunch with me, saturday evening mass and then a movie.....she was already on a day trip "rafting" with people I dont know, and dont seem to care for at all. Actually do you know how much I liked the guy in the back ground? If both of us were in that raft only one was getting back to the camp site...and it wasnt going to be him.

Now, she is on the patch and acting a bit more reasonable...however her flight to FL from NJ is leaving today so I wont see her again till Weds. We discussed everything, but I still havent seen her yet...I miss her and I told her this, and she is still acting kind of "tough" with me, but overall its ok.

The problem that I have is that to quote famously "I DONT LIKE DRAMAS"...I said look, if I said anything to make you feel or think differently about me while this smoking thing is going on, Im sorry..If im too stupid to figure out what I did, please tell me so I wont do it again. Make no bones about it...I have a history of stupidity. Especially with women...and fireworks.

She lied about smoking, and hung out with guys "she grew up with"...now shes 3 hrs by plane away, on business..but Im wondering what happens when Im not around.

I have decided to stop being a ego maniac, obsessed with surface BS and STAY WITH HER..because she is awesome. But if this is the way its gonna be.....ummmm...where did the girl I met go?? I hope this ends, she comes home and we're attached at the hip again.
But I cant stop my head from spinning and questions!!!!

[ChattyLMS]

Well, good luck!  I'd be very careful if I were you.  Take your time and really get to know her.  I jumped into a relationship way too quickly once, and almost married the guy.  I broke up with him one month before the wedding.  It (getting married) was the wrong thing to do. but I learned A LOT from that experience.  Good Luck!  Keep me posted OK?  I love a good love story!