Monster's Holiday

[ProfGriffin]

MONSTER'S HOLIDAY
(A Holiday special, Monster-Style)


Fade up on a snow covered hill. Gnarled dead trees clutch angrily at the cyclorama sky as fresh snow begins to fall.  In the distance, 'Silent Night' softly plays. 
Camera pans to the right, where a man clad in coat, scarf and hat is wiping the thick frost off of a sign hat reads 'Iping'


Man:  Curses!  Not that blasted town again!


Camera continues to pan...up to a castle. 
Snow blankets the grounds and the turrents are covered in a white shroud.  Camera zooms slowly into a window...breaks window.....continues in.

(Int.)
A dark stone room, light only by a roaring fireplace....and in the dark, figures lurk.

Poelzig:  And they heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, Merry Christmas to all and to all, a good night!  The End.

General murmur in the dark.

Vitus:  (waking up) Excellent story Hjalmar!

Poelzig:  Thank you Vitus.

Vitus:  Now, I will kill you!

Bey (Man in a Fez):  Excuse me...So, what your western culture is telling us is that base behavior is rewarded by gifts of material worth. The great god Karnak only punishes those who betray him, not reward those who live humble lives.

Mr. Hyde: Humble?  HA!  The last thing we need, fool, is to be humble.  We should sing!  And dance and ...

Septimus:  Oh, yes.  Wouldn't it be better if we were all just devils?  Without all this nonsense about being good.

Ygor:  Silence!  De story is not finished!  Der is more, Ygor knows!  Right Frankenstein?

Wolf:  (leaning forward out of the shadows) Yes.   You see, my father harnessed the power of life giving rays...and his reward was...

Bey:  Yes, yes, through electrical machines, but real power comes from the sacred Tana leaves...the gift of eternal life...the gift of Karnak.

Septimus:  I made cute little people!  What thanks did I get?

Ygor:  Be quiet!  Frankenstein no finished!

Hyde:  You're all fools!  My power is within me....within us all...just a little bit of this, (potion) releases it and could have released the world of repression!  And what thanks did I get?  Hunted!  Chased through the night!  So I killed an old man!  Big deal!  He had it coming...old goat!

Wolf:  But what I am trying to say, is that the real power is science, and mankind's ability to think and reason. We are divine in that we have the ability to reach the heavens, and figure out the secrets of life!  But instead of thanking my father, he was hated and ridiculed...

Ygor:  Yes!  Tell Ygor about it... I stole bodies....er....dey said, so dey hang me.  Den I tried help Frankenstein and what tanks does Ygor get?  Riddled with bullets!  Crushed behind a door!

Wolf:  Er, yes....well, sorry about that.

Bey:  If we can get back to the blasphemous belief of the jolly red man with the rewards for good deeds...

Ygor (standing up, angry):  No, now we talk about Ygor!  I no go away!  YOU go away!  Not me!  Not until I get my thanks!  You all should tank me!  Me! 

DOOR SUDDENLY OPENS CRUSHING YGOR BEHIND IT.

Monster:  RRRRRRR!

All:  FRANK!

Ygor (from behind door):  You're welcome! (falls)

Monster:  Christmas, GOOD!  Presents ...GOOD!

Monsters enters followed by other dark twisted figures....monsters all.  All bearing gifts.

Poelzig:  Now that we're all here, I'd like to propose a toast.

Septimus:  Here's to a new world....

Karl:  Not again!

Fritz:  Same old toast again and again...

Karl: Ha!  You have no idea...I have to hear him day after day after...

Fritz:  (To Karl) Hey! You're a damn good looking man you know that?

Karl:  You're not so shabby yourself...

Bey:  Silence!  We haven't finished the story...I will finish it the right way.

Monster: Story...GOOD!

Poelzig:  Very well, first we finish the story, then presents.

Vitus:  And then I will kill you.

Crowd settles down again.  General Murmur.

Bey:  So after the great blasphemer Santa Claus left the home powered by cursed animals and his own greed,  Kharis, the avenger of the desecration of the tomb of Ananka, entered like the silent shroud of doom through the backdoor, quickly destroying the infidel father, who dared to buy an Ananka replica pendant from the souviner shop of the Scripps Museum, and the foolish Mother who dared to place an offensive "I saw Ananaka" bumper sticker on her station wagon,....and

Monster:  RRRR!  Story.....BAD!  RRRRRR! (strikes Bey, sending him crashing to a corner)

Hyde:  Ha! ha!  Whomever defies the will of Christmas, a cruel and violent death shall be their fate!

Poelzig:  Er...thank you.  Now, if I may.  Here's to a happy holiday season and the best to you and yours.  Let's always remember to be thankful for the things that whatever god you worship has given us, and (looking at Ygor and Bey) the things he has taken away.  Furthermore...remember that with the start of the New Year.....

Erik: (To Vitus) Doesn't he ever shut up?

Vitus:  He's just getting started.

Poelzig:  ....and in conclusion, I hope the new year brings the best for you and your unholy goals and dreadful deeds.

All:  CHEERS!

Monster:  Drink....GOOD!  GOOD! 

Erik:  Now let's get to the presents.

Hyde: Me first!  Me first!

Minnie: (poking her head in from the kitchen)  The duck is-a-roasted...if anyone cares!

Wolf:  Thank you Minnie.

Monster:  Sing.....music....GOOD!

Poelzig:  Well let's all eat first and then...

Monster:  RRRRRRRRR!!!  No!  SING!  CAROLS!  THEN EAT!

Poelzig:  Very well.  You all have your sheets?  Good.....Erik on the organ?  Good....Septimus?  You want to play the triangle?  (sigh)   Alright....  Vitus?

Vitus:  Very well Hjalmar, I will kill you after the new year.

Poelzig:  Excellent Vitus, now...everyone ready?  One and a two and a three....

FEEL FREE TO SING ALONG-

ALL:  The Monster Song

(Sung to the tune of -The Christmas Song)

Windmills blazing in an open fire
Werewolves ripping at your throat
Living Mummies sinking under a mire
and old castles with creatures in the moat...

Every Monster knows..

A Full Moon and some Wolfsbane
Help to give the gypsies fright
A hunchback dwarf, walking with a short cane
will be hung by a monster, tonight


You know the Count is on his way
He's loaded up three earth boxes
and sleeps by day...
And the Karnak priests
are gonna spy
to see if Kharis, will ever really die!

And so I'm offering this sinful curse
to ghouls from 1 to 600 too
Although it's often said
with faces filled with dread
There's Many Monsters,..coming for you!

Poelzig:  To all Monsters and madmen, creatures and vampires, mummys...and daddys everywhere!

Merry Christmas!

[Brother D]

(sniff, sniff) Sorry, I'm all teared up. That was lovely. Needs a bit more torture, throats being torn out, screaming....the usual Christmasy stuff us Mad Monks enjoy....but other than that...it really put me in the mood (to maim). Horrible Christmas, all you fiends.

Brother D

[Meek]

    Someone out there in the ranks needs to animate this or do a 3-D comic book, er, graphic novel type version and then we'll have a proper UMA holiday special and put Rudolph & Frosty on notice.
    Professor, this just gets better and better each year and always makes me laugh out loud when I think of Dr. Pretorious playing the triangle---its so him.

    "Meek"(Nora's freezing on the trolley)

[MissDrac]

That was very Hexcellent!! Monsterous Fun For All Ages, Thank you!

[The Drunken Severed Head]

What's that you say, Miss Drac?

I agree Meek, but it has to feature the Lon Chaney version, not the Bobby Pickett original. Good as it is, it has nothing on the production values and arrangement of the Chaney version.