I have a question that may come across as childish or weird, and wondered if anyone else felt this way or had a similar experience with someone "insulting" their collections, and how you reacted. But first a lead up/in story:
I have a collector buddy I used to kind of be in a friendly "competition" with over the years. IE we both collected the same type of stuff. Ergo--we were both always on the look out for the same type of items. We've been friends for 20 years.
His wife committed adultery,they divorced, and he fell off the map for 2 years after that. Before he "went dark", I offered to let him "hide" all his collectibles at my house so she wouldnt claim they were acquired during their brief marriage and try to force him to sell them off and split the money during their nasty divorce. He agreed and years of collecting were stored in my garage for two years.
I finally tracked him down at the place he was working at (after no contact for 2 years) and returned his items. That was 2006. Well, the last few years have been devastating for him. He voluntarily quit his job in an attempt to "make a go" out of being a flea market vendor. It didnt work out, and he quit it to go to ebay.
He has since sold off his all of his collection, and I have to tell you:it was vast!!! I bought everything he had that interested me (at King's Ransom prices to help him out) and added it to my stuff. Last year we had an argument that came from out of nowhere. He started yelling at me about how I had it made, and he had nothing, and that I somehow took advantage of him in some way(he never explained himself). I felt bad for him, and tried to calm him down. But then he started taking pot shots at me and my wife. So I yelled back at him and told him he crossed the line. We forgot the argument, apologized-- and life went on.
But ever since his life hit the skids, he's different. I've helped him out ad nauseum. Picking him up when he got a flat 40 miles from my home. Driving him to court when his license was suspended for non payment of his child support. Turning my computer and phone over to him for hours at a stretch so he can try to sell things on ebay, keep his lights on, and deal with attorneys and judges so he can stay outta jail.
It only bugs me a little hen he "fleeces" me on items I buy/have bought from him, because I only buy when I have the extra money (hardly ever these days it seems). What I mean by "fleecing" is this: If a stranger offers to buy something from him, he throws out some ridiculously cheap price. When I want to buy something from him...its always sky high premium prices. He does it because he knows I am an avid collector and will find a way to get an item I am "hot" for. Its not right for him to charge me a premium when we are friends...but I let him do it because I feel badly for him.**Whew**
Now--the other day he visited my home, the only problem was I wasn't there. he let himself in and had a seat on my sofa and waited for me to get home from the grocery store. he wanted to use the computer. That one ticked me off. No one just walks in my house. Regardless of the door beign unlocked or not. My parents dont even do that. its called boundaries. But I bit my tongue.
Today he stopped in to use the computer and the phone...and he asked to see my collection (the Monster closet). I opened the door and he looked about---and then he shook his head negatively. He had spotted my newly acquired soakies(still missing a Mummy). He picked them up and proceeded to tell me :"I cant believe you are into these. You've lost your mind" I laughed because we all say things like this to one another jokingly. But he wasnt joking.
Then he said: "You know-- You need to sell this stuff off and sell it all now before its completely worthless." Then it was followed up with a negative critique of one of my vintage items, saying it was wothless because it had clearly been "restored". To anyone who collects, this restoration is non existant. It has very minor patina and is in near mint shape. The rest is in his head. I have been the sole owner of the item in question. I humored him, smiled politely and let him get it outta his system. Then he left and that was that. But he really ticked me off with his downing my collection. I dunno why he took the time outta his schedule to look at my stuff only to down it, and then berate me for collecting it, and call my observational skills into question. But when he did---all the little stuff I have let slide up to this point started to boil to the surface. So now: the question.
Is it weird or childish of me to get upset because he insulted my collection of stuff? Have you ever had a similar experience with someone insulting your collections either passively or directly, and it get to your nerves a little...or even a lot? When he left I found myself really annoyed. In fact, I am annoyed enuff to create this thread to see if my thinking is just "out of whack", or if I have a real cause to even be upset about this. So---share.
I could go on and on about friends like that. But to keep it short, that's the kind of guy who will never truly respect you or appreciate the things you do for him. I'm betting that in his mind, you will always be the enviable "Lucky Man", and he will always be on the losing end of events. He is unable to truly view you as a friend, just as someone who copes with this world while he can't. That makes him boiling mad just below the surface. And like any wounded animal, he will bite in any direction, friend or foe. You describe just such an incident.
Your problem......and I've been there ......is that you are too nice a guy to tell him to take a forever hike even though he deserves it. Finding less and less time for him, no matter how unfortunate his situations, may be your only resolution. Sometimes ya gotta say enough, and try to fade out of his life by being too busy for his problems or abuse......Buddy
Well first, start locking your door. Second, it sounds like the guy is feeling collector envy. Because of the hard times he's had to let his stuff go and probably feels jealous of you. Third, sometimes people you know can become more of a detriment than a benefit, even if they are friends. I wouldn't be too upset about the negative comments since you can write those off as jealousy. However, from what you described, the guy is taking advantage of you. At least phone and computer wise. You don't have to be nasty about the breakup (which is what it kinda would be). Just be unavailable the next time he contacts you.
And I repeat, start locking your door.
I agree with the door locking , also I have a question. Why did he show an interest in your collection this time, it could be he has plans the next time you are out. With him feeling that you are the lucky one, this in no way is friendship. You have gone beyond the call of duty and most people would be eternally grateful for the help you provide, however he has to deal with his own problems. I wish you luck.
Does he have a problem with substance abuse? A history of alcohol or drug use?
The personality shift might be connected to some deeper issues.
One thing for sure: You are letting yourself be used. While you might think you're helping him out by buying from him at premium prices, I think he is preying on your good intentions.
His disparaging remarks toward your collection, might not be jealousy. It looks like it might be an attempt to manipulate you to sell to him cheap, so he can sell to others at a profit. Of course, if you don't sell your stuff he knows where to get it. Definitely time for a lock on the collection.
You are not being weird or childish. I suspect your "Spidey Senses" are telling you to watch out.
I've dealt with the exact same situation, Anton. This guy is no longer your friend. He's resentful, a user, and you need to cut him loose. Don't just start locking your door, change the locks! Password-protect your computer, if it isn't already. If he knows your password, change it, tonight!
People change. Sometimes, not for the better. I had a friend that was closer to me than my own brother, but he changed overnight after his mother died. I eventually had to get a restraining order against him, even though he lives in another state. He has a bunch of Screamin' 1/4-scale vinyl kits that belong to me. I told him to keep them, sell them & donate the money to the ASPCA, whatever; as long as I never heard from him again. Been 2 years now, without a peep.
Like others have said Anton, watch your back.
Thank you guys! I will certainly act promptly (in some cases I already have). I will let him know he has to get his internet and phone turned back on because I am no longer going to be available for him. My spider-senses are definitely tingling Fester.....
Anton, it's really hard to be a "nice guy" sometimes! But it sure does make the world a better place :) I've also been in your shoes, where a friend that I helped out and cared for, turned into a jealous child and lashed out at me and everything I am about. This person that I thought was a friend- made fun of me in front of me and behind my back- but I let it go, thinking it was just a reaction to her own misery in her marriage and with her children! I'm a lady, I know- it's a shock-hahaha, but I am a monster collector and I am happy-go-lucky, so I had a ton of patience with my "friend" and I kept on trying to help her. I took care of her children during her rough times, and I lent her a sympathtic ear. But sadly, she took the low road and found another friend that she could "party" with ( this is a 48 year old woman) and said to me "You live in your fantasy world and you have NO idea what the real world is like!!". So that was that! And it was 10 years ago, so I am still collecting monsters, I've been married for almost 32 years, my kids are both productive citizens ( one's a prosthodontist & one's in computers) and they are happy that I'm "nice". It sounds like we both hate to give up on people, Anton, but sometimes they give up on themselves and want to make you feel like you had something to do with it. I am older now, but I would probably do the same thing if it happened again, because I really just WANT to help. But at least you tried, and I agree with all your other monster friends- This guy has crossed lines and will never appreciate your awesome friendship.
Anton, my fellow Army members have already given you a lot of good advice. You have gone way beyond the call of duty with this guy. You have no reason to feel badly. He's abused your relationship and it's no wonder you have started to question it and feel annoyed. I'm sure your annoyance is more than the fact that he insulted your collection - from the sound of it, that's just the tip of the iceberg!
Although you obviously are a kind person it seems like it's time to at least draw some boundaries (like, he can't just walk into your house! how rude) and if he doesn't like it, well, it won't be a real loss. I too wonder if he has any plans for your collection. Lock that door! best of luck with this, I know it won't be easy.
Anton, this isn't about your collection, it's about him feeling victimized about everything that has happened to him over the last few years. He most likely feels like he has been "unjustly" kicked around by circumstances in his life, and therefore feels like he has license to kick around other people as a way of compensating for his own lack of success. He sounds like a very bitter man who has yet to honestly self-evaluate his life and his decisions. It sounds like you have no reason to continue to absorb his abuse, based on any old friendship you may have had. Feel sympathy, wish him luck, love him like a brother, but please send him on his way until he can act like the friend he is supposed to be.
What everyone else as said, Anton. This isn't about you, or your collection. It's about your "friend" & the bad place he's in. You can still care about him, love him as a brother even, but I feel he needs more than your friendship can provide. Be kind & caring if he'll let you, but let him go.
Echoing the sentiments everyone has already stated - and I had a "friend" just like yours. I wasn't even collecting monsters at the time - he just had issues with himself , which he projected onto me. I am NOT a violent man, but he once p***** me off so bad, I busted my door off it's hinges to get at him, coz he had locked himself in MY apartment, with MY stuff, because he was so jealous!
Quote from: Unknown Primate on September 21, 2011, 12:15:11 PM
I am NOT a violent man, but he once p***** me off so bad, I busted my door off it's hinges to get at him, coz he had locked himself in MY apartment, with MY stuff, because he was so jealous!
Is that when your avatar picture was taken, Primate? ;)
Quote from: Unknown Primate on September 21, 2011, 12:15:11 PM
Echoing the sentiments everyone has already stated - and I had a "friend" just like yours. I wasn't even collecting monsters at the time - he just had issues with himself , which he projected onto me. I am NOT a violent man, but he once p***** me off so bad, I busted my door off it's hinges to get at him, coz he had locked himself in MY apartment, with MY stuff, because he was so jealous!
w-o-w.....thats pretty intense, bro. I am listening to all of the commentaries here and taking them to heart. Yesterday when he wanted to use the phone to call his lawyer, I kind of hinted that he could get a Wal-mart straight talk phone for $30 a month. I also hinted he could do his ebay listings at the library. I didnt mind helping him out when it was temporary---thats what friends do. But its another another thing entirely when he has
made the decision to
not turn his phone or internet back on.
I dont wanna be mean to him, but he has got to get a plan or he's gonna crack from stress. I dont wanna lose our frinedship, but I am thinking I am playing the role of therapist or priest rather than buddy. He seems to be solely interested in coming to the house only because he wants access to things he wont pay for at his own home.
Internet access and a telephone. He never talks about the hobby or anything, never wants to get together to just watch a movie or anything...just gloom and doom, and a ball of stress. I wish his life would get better, because he isnt even the person I know anymore. I am over his passive aggressive comments from yesterday, but he really needs to get a plan that doesnt involve my being at his beckon call. I'll keep you updated. It probably wasnt just the gloom and doom and the comments about the so- called "restored" item in my collection...but just his stress and depression rubbing off on me, and my feeling a little used in the friendship. The only things I have ever asked him for was a cardboard mailing tube once---and he told me where I could go buy one, because he couldnt spare his, and a piece of sandpaper that he
reluctantly gave me. Maybe its because he let me borrow a dremel tool about 5 years ago, and it got stolen. I paid him for it, though, because there was a model he wanted that was about the same price and I bought it for him.
Meanwhile, I have offered to be chauefer, tripleAAA, storage facility, and internet cafe among many other hats in the friendship. I think thats what really bugs me. The sense that I am being used a little too much. Not so much the crack about the soakies, etc. He knows I post here. Maybe he will stumble across this and read my feelings about the whole affair and get himself a plan.
Quote from: Anton Phibes on September 20, 2011, 10:49:11 PMThen he said: "You know-- You need to sell this stuff off and sell it all now before its completely worthless."
The reason he's saying that is that he had found himself in a position where he had to sell his own collection which he once really loved and now he's trying to rationalize what he had to do as being all for the best. His words/behaviour now are completely predictable. If he wasn't rationalizing what he had to do, he'd been hanging himself from an end of a rope out of depression.
It seems though that he had put himself in the position where selling his collection to live was his only alternative because he had decided that even that was preferable to making any kind of payments to his ex wife including child support. Quitting his salaried job to avoid his wages being garnisheed meant that his collection would eventually end up on the chopping block.
Feel sad for him - but change your locks.
:(
1) Lock the door.
Your relationship with this guy seems to have no established boundaries. That's always a problem. A lot of times people extend themselves for others expecting a certain degree of respect, reciprocation, etc... Those people get hurt a lot. He doesn't sound like a 'friend' but more a troubled person who's just trying to pull him self up at anybody's expense. Establish boundaries. Limit expectations. He's not acting like a friend. He doesn't sound like someone you want to invest in, emotionally, financially, etc. He's a bottomless pit right now. Don't give anything or do anything to/ for him that you can't afford to part with----------knowing you're NOT going to get equal value back. Give what you want----------expect nothing in return. And stop doing business with him if you feel fleeced.
I think Bigbud Nailed it !
and sometimes you have to know
when to write a so-called friend Off.
I've had to do it for the same reasons
a life long "friend" but everytime he came over
he ended up saying or doing something that would make my skin crawl
he had to go so one day I showed him the door
and it was like a weight was lifted off me
I have felt better ever since!!
Best of luck on that!! chain_saw
Dr Phibes - You are a kind and caring friend. He's totally taking advantage of you. You are not being childish at all. I'd be furious, too. You've been a true friend to him and he's spit in your face. I agree with everybody else, lock your doors, you should have been doing that already. He has not right to go barging in. Don't give him any more money, don't do him anymore favors. Friendships are give and take. You've been doing all the giving and he's been doing all the taking. I also agree that he has some emotional issues and needs to get an evaluation and counseling from a good psychologist and/or a psychiatrist. Don't pay for that. You should tell him that. You have to make the boundaries now.
As for insulting your collection, HOW DARE HE! I'm sure most of our collections have things in them that are not very valuable in the way of money, but we don't do collecting for money, we do it to get the pieces we like. That is worth all the money in the world. Imagine all the pieces that people have given to you, they are probably among the most prized. Or the piece that took you months to find?
Lastly, how could he even charge you for those collectibles of his? Under the circumstances I would have given things to you because you did me such a great favor. Or at least charged you a minimum price. I've given so many things away and loved it all the more. It's time to stop the gravy train.
I'll echo too. It's become a toxic friendship. I also would be concerned about the safety of your home and your possessions, including your collection. When he asked to see your collection and then put it down, he probably was hoping that you'd want to sell off your collection. Maybe he was thinking about selling it for you and getting a percentage, or he'd buy it from you at a low price (because it's "no good") and then mark it up when he sells it. There is no idication that he is acting like he's your friend. Make a list of all the stuff that he's pulled and if he starts giving you any crap, read off the list and tell him, "Later!"
Rob
People put down other people in an effort to lift themselves up. It doesn't work, but he's probably doing that, too. He's probably jealous over your collection. And maybe he's feeling stupid because of his decision to quit his full time job. He didn't think that one through very well. I hope by now he's found another job.
Quote from: Count_Zirock on September 21, 2011, 01:20:46 AM
I've dealt with the exact same situation, Anton. This guy is no longer your friend. He's resentful, a user, and you need to cut him loose. Don't just start locking your door, change the locks! Password-protect your computer, if it isn't already. If he knows your password, change it, tonight!
People change. Sometimes, not for the better.
You are a very very kind person .. I agree that people change and that it's time for you to stop feeling sorry for this guy and to cut him loose and to move on. It is difficult but I think that most of us at one time or another has had to take a stand with a 'friend' or relative that was an user and or so self involved that they didn't realize that they were using people.
QuoteFriendships are give and take.
Actually I'll go that one further.......a real, heartfelt friendship is when you give, and it makes you so happy that the thought of any reciprocation never enters your mind. It's just great to make a good friend happy! Buddy
Quote from: bigbud on September 27, 2011, 07:41:46 PM
Actually I'll go that one further.......a real, heartfelt friendship is when you give, and it makes you so happy that the thought of any reciprocation never enters your mind. It's just great to make a good friend happy! Buddy
But that person would have to BE a 'good friend' to begin with... e.g., not insulting you and your wife would be a good start.
This post started a week ago, any progress? Or are you still in the thinking stage?
Quote from: ChattyLMS on September 27, 2011, 09:31:39 PM
This post started a week ago, any progress? Or are you still in the thinking stage?
Yes, actually. I went to his house and gave him the information on getting a smart talk cell phone at Wal-mart(again), and I kind of made it abundantly clear I would rather have him do his ebaying at the library. If he didnt want to do that, I supplied him with 2 different internet service providers that dont require an active/existing home phone line. He agreed. He said that he
knew he had to be "putting me out" by letting him in for hours at a stretch to work on the computer. But he would go to the library rather than have to pay a monthly internet bill. I told him he couldnt rely on me to help him out all the time, so the library was going to have to do. I havent had him knocking on the door since the conversation.
I also told him he needed to get a plan together. You see--
He is 8+ months behind on his mortgage. Winter is coming. If he doesnt get a plan and gets foreclosed on in the dead of winter, he's going to be without a house, and in the worse possible set of circumstances. I told him he needed a plan because his friends wouldnt be able to take him into their homes, as it would be a major issue that neither I nor anyone else would consider.
Especially and specifically me. This divorce has destroyed him. He was nothing like he is these days. Depressed all the time, and feeling trapped. it's sad.
He knows that all I sell on ebay is smaller items. As I left his house after the conversation, he said he has been selling a lot of smaller things but is having trouble finding boxes. It was a hint to me to offer him some (my wife gets them for me from her work instead of throwing them away.) I didnt offer him anything and said I would see him later. I hate to be mean to him---but she barely brings home enuff for me. I think he realizes there are now some restrictions on all the "free access" he's been getting to things at the House of Phibes. If anything new should occur beyond this---I will update. But I think he got the hint. I lock the doors now too. :angel: Not because I think he would take anything---but I am just not comfortable with folks having the ability to just waltz in the house.
Good job, Anton - I think you handled that very well!
Good work, Phibes!
He needs to get some counseling and some antidepressants. You weren't helping him, you were enabling him. I'm proud of you! You had the courage to speak up for yourself!
Thanks for the input and advice folks. If this ever comes up again---I will update. For now--Crisis averted.
Geez, all I wanted were some lousy boxes. ;)
QuoteGeez, all I wanted were some lousy boxes
So, that's how it is! The mystery thorn in Anton's side is our own Scatter! Hey ya big ape......as was said, Winter is coming.....but in YOUR case your friends WILL take you in .......come on up here to Kansas.......we'll play and run through the toys!
Anton, you are doing great. And it feels good too, doesn't it? You're back in control! Hang in there, and let us know how things are........... Buddy
Anton
What you describe is not a friend but a user!You need to cut all ties with him once and for all.A real friend wont take advantage of you all the time and will treat your friendship on a 50-50 basis.This guy seems like all he wants from you is free everything! I know your not a mean person but its like the old saying goes,you cann't help someone that wont help theirselfs!
I had to cut ties with a long-time friend who was ultimately just too toxic to be around. He'd lie to people, brag about things he was going to do, and never do them, take people's money for services and merchandise he'd not deliver (or be horribly -- years -- late on) -- and then somehow justify doing so when the aggreived parties would complain ("Well, if they're gonna talk smack about me, I'm not sending them anything...") His name is mud in collecting circles over this -- and there are numerous threads complaining about him on other forums.
His paranoia and delusional view of the world was just too hard to take after a while, and for my own good, I had to write him off. We actually had a blow up when he wrote a really offensive and insulting response to something I'd posted in another forum -- and then threatened me when I called him on it. He later turned that around and claimed I'd threatened him!
A mutual friend had also written him off about a year earlier -- on the advice of his therapist -- and the guy's oldest/best friend crossed him off a year later. A sad situation -- but some people bring it on themselves....
I'm so much better off without him in my life.
And yes, this is a guy who, briefly, posted here. I won't ID him further.
Quote from: bigbud on September 28, 2011, 10:58:24 PM
So, that's how it is! The mystery thorn in Anton's side is our own Scatter! Hey ya big ape......as was said, Winter is coming.....but in YOUR case your friends WILL take you in .......come on up here to Kansas.......we'll play and run through the toys!
Buddy
Can I run naked through the toys??
Please pass the eye-bleach. ;D
This is all you'd see as I was running by.
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_3FTO6EjRbe4/SzT9tvKSs1I/AAAAAAAAZSo/GCSjM1K_RV0/s640/monkey-ass_weird+animal+pictures.jpg)
AACCCKKKK!
I'm not sure rural Kansas can handle that! Automatic weapons are legal here now........ Buddy
For the love of all that's holy, PLEASE put your pants back on.
You do realize that's a female ape, right? Something you want to tell us, Scatter?
Another thread shot to hell...
I'm glad you verified she's a female, Karen, coz I think I dated her at one time.
Quote from: Moonshadow on September 30, 2011, 07:24:45 PM
For the love of all that's holy, PLEASE put your pants back on.
You do realize that's a female ape, right? Something you want to tell us, Scatter?
Another thread shot to hell...
I don't WANT to know how you know its sex. Is there something YOU want to tell US?
Quote from: Scatter on September 30, 2011, 08:17:38 PM
I don't WANT to know how you know its sex. Is there something YOU want to tell US?
You've got your secrets, I've got mine.
HA HA HA HA HA!
Yes, she's a girl. I think her butt gets like that when it's time to mate. I guess males can't find that area unless it's really big and red!
Poor thing, I wonder if it hurts? It looks painful. :'(
I think i saw her in a Ren & Stimpy cartoon.
:o Damn, that picture is just so wrong. Stick with the Canadian babes, Scatter.
Quote from: Scatter on September 30, 2011, 04:21:42 PM
This is all you'd see as I was running by.
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_3FTO6EjRbe4/SzT9tvKSs1I/AAAAAAAAZSo/GCSjM1K_RV0/s640/monkey-ass_weird+animal+pictures.jpg)
Scatter----I hope this is a photoshopped picture. Or that ape has a butt tumor. :-X
Quote from: Anton Phibes on September 30, 2011, 11:40:46 PM
Scatter----I hope this is a photoshopped picture. Or that ape has a butt tumor. :-X
It's not a tumah![/Ahnuld]